


Dying shouldn't be this complicated

by llamabunnybird



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Torchwood
Genre: Gen, Humor, Jack Harkness Flirts, Near Death Experiences, Temporary Character Death - Jack Harkness, death likes cats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-24
Updated: 2014-08-24
Packaged: 2018-02-14 13:49:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2194101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/llamabunnybird/pseuds/llamabunnybird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>5 ways (or so ) Jack Harkness has died (or 5 times Death has had to deal with him and one time he made someone else)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dying shouldn't be this complicated

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o  
There was a reason Jack hated planes. RAF pilot be damned, after the 5 plane crash he was done. In Ianto’s estimation Jack was probably the only person to have crashed a plane in 5 different branches of the military. By the 6th plane crash Death himself showed up to tell him off.   
“YOU REALLY NEED TO STOP” the empty eye sockets looked at him soulfully. “I MEAN I HAVE UNDERLINGS FOR THESE SORT OF THINGS BUT EVEN THEY ARE TIRED OF SEEING YOUR DEMISE THIS WAY.”  
Jack just rolled his eyes “sure thing” he cleared his throat “in the meantime wanna play some chess?”  
With a sigh Death sat on a rock waving his hand for a black table with a black chess set with half the set slightly less black  
Sitting on another rock Jack grinned “You know you really need to diversify your colors. You’d probably look great in red”   
The look Death gave him would have killed or dispersed most other spirits. Unfortunately as Death had discovered over the past few hundred times they’d met the Look of Death™ didn’t work on Captain Jack Harkness. 

0o0o0o0o0o

“Okay I have no excuse for this one” Jack stated the next time he met Death   
“YOU DIED IN A SUNTANNING BOOTH” Death said bleakly “HOW”  
“Well I had heard of them I mean people in the future talked about old archaic earth tech and so I just had to try it” Jack shrugged as he walked around his body “I mean who’da thought…?”  
Death could feel a skullache coming on “ YOU KNOW EVEN THE DOCTOR HAS NOT EXPIRED THIS WAY AND HE USUALLY EXPIRES QUITE CREATIVLY”   
“oh really?” Jack looked hopeful “so this is a new one?”   
“WHY DO YOU THINK I SHOWED UP?”

0o0o0o0o0o0

“I fucking hate quicksand” jack said as he watched his team drag him out of some. “It’s all gritty and its like breathing gritty jello”   
“YOU AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BREATH IT” Death snapped (he had been in the middle of a very high stakes poker game with Famine and was peeved about being interrupted)   
“Well yeah but somehow drowning in water isn’t as bad yeah know?” Jack poked one of his team mates who gave a shiver and started muttering about cold chills.   
“YOU ARE THE ONLY ENTITY IN THIS GALAXY THAT COULD COMPARE THOSE EXPERIENCES” Death said ruefully as he resigned himself to having to send Famine some nice black honey as an apology for vanishing halfway thru their game (and he had been winning too)   
“So what were you and Famine playing for?” Jack asked 15 minutes later as he watched his medic try to scoop the quicksand out of his lungs via surgery (If it wasn’t removed he’d revive in a few days anyway but scooping it out meant he’d come back within an hour or two)   
“WE WERE PLAYING FOR THE JOB OF TELLING WAR SHE NEEDS TO CUT IT OUT WITH THE SHOES AND TEAR GAS ENTRANCE SMOKE”   
“Why?”   
Death gave him a look that could only be described as ‘empty and dead’ “WOULD YOU WANT TO TELL THE AVATAR OF WAR THAT SHE LOOKS LIKE A FLASHY HOOKER?”   
Jack thought about it “Can I meet her?”   
“NO”

0o0o0o0o00o0o

Death watched the lion finish eating Jack, tapping his foot as he waited for the insufferable man to die. He had a plague to take care of and Jack was (like usual) putting him behind schedule. When Jack finally expired Death had already started knitting out of boredom (he had taken it up after the last meeting of metaphysical avatars. The black tweed pattern he was working on was to die for).   
"That was unpleasant" Jack commented as he watched the lion start sniffing at his coat "I really hope he doesn't eat my coat can't you do something about that?" he turned to Death trying to look imploring but mostly looking like he had just been eaten by a lion.  
Death finished his row and looked at Jack and then looked at the lion. "I ALWAYS HATED THAT COAT" he commented. I'M MAKING YOU A NEW ONE FOR CHRISTMAS"  
Jack looked at Death and looked at his coat "You really hate it that much?"  
*that Christmas Jack got a strange box on his door step all covered in black paper in a black box with a stylish black coat knit with wool from black sheep with a note that said "THIS COAT IS NOT LION PROOF". *

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

The next time Jack met Death he had a card and some Black Pudding. Shoving the gifts at Death he yawned and flopped onto a bench. Falling into the void of space usually meant a longer regeneration time and hence he usually spent a day or two at Death's house.   
Death looked at the card "YOU CARRIED THIS AROUND WITH YOU?" and looked at the pudding "THIS IS A TERRIBLE MISS USE OF ALIEN TECH"   
Jack shrugged "Well i figured you were worth it" he said as he pet one of the kittens (black) that death had somehow acquired since his last visit. "where'd the kittens come from by the way?" he asked curiously.

 

+1  
O0o0o0o0o0

“Well hello gorgeous” Jack winked at the reaper standing in front of him.   
She smacked him in the head with the handle of her scythe. “Dad warned me about you” she stated blandly “And he sends his regards and….” She pulled a misty towel out of the air “He says he can and will kill you again if you bother me” as she handed him the towel she gave him the evil eye.   
“Well then….” Jack said tying it around his waist “Can I ask why he sent you? I mean” he waved his hand at her “ Normally I get that underling or something”   
“I’m being grounded” She replied with a sniff “Apparently you are my punishment”  
“Awww I’m not that bad” Jack said sitting down next to his corpse.   
“You died in a freak accident in a hot tub due to faulty wiring in a sex toy” she deadpanned “I am pretty sure you are that bad”   
“I’m memorable” he corrected her with a cheeky grin “Anyway I got 15 minutes or so before I resurrect…..”   
She hit him again  
O0o0o0o0o0o

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! I love writing Jack/Death scenes (no i don't ship them but they would be such funny friends don't ya think?) My inspiration for Death was largly taken from the character in Terry Pratchett's Discworld novels as was his granddaughter. Hence the reason its listed as a Torchwood/Whoniverse/Discworld crossover.   
> Let me know what you think! I have lots of little Jack/Death drabbles just floating around :3


End file.
